Right before we were getting ready to leave on a 16-day road trip across the Midwest I was sitting in my office. Doing what no one loves to do, going through the mail.
It was a stack that had piled up from a week of chaos. There were bills, restaurant coupons, the very distracting Ulta flier, and an unexpected envelope from Dallas IVF.
The name “Dallas IVF” carries much more weight than any other name on our pieces of mail.
Why? Because this is the fertility clinic that helped us realize our dream of becoming parents.
Imagine after of months of trying with no baby in sight and walking into a clinic one day where the doctor tells you that you WILL have a baby.
Now that moment right there happened inside the walls at Dallas IVF.Why is there such a surprise then on my part to be hearing from our IVF clinic?
What Did They Want?
Our son is now 18 months and we haven’t really had anything to do with them since his birth.
So many thoughts began to flood my head from “We are moving offices notification” to the worst case scenario “We are writing to you to let you know something happened to your embryos”.
I held the thin crisp envelope for a good 10 minutes before deciding to see what was inside.
Was it a letter of goodwill or devastating news? Neither. It was a bill.
Now IVF is, not an inexpensive process and I would have assumed that since my son is now 1 ½ years old that if I owed anything I would have found out about it before now.
So what could I possibly still owe?
Rent. Yep, you read that correctly. I owed rent.
I sat at my desk and starred at a letter that was informing me that the time has come for them to collect payment on the storage of my embryos.
Immediately, I went into momma bear mode wanting to protect my 9 embryos that remained in Elsa’s ice castle and ensure they had the best room in the house in their “kingdom of isolation”.
I was flooded with so many emotions from anxiety, sadness, confusion, along with annoyance.
I felt very anxious for some reason reading that letter and I think it stemmed from having to think about reopening that door as we start for baby #2 in 2019.
What will our journey be like the second time around?
Will we have the same issue?
What if it doesn’t work this time?
The questions without answers started coming one after another.
That envelope brought back all the feelings I had when I was going through the process to conceive Pierce.
While the journey ended with joy the road to get there was filled with many sad and lonely days.
I had let all of those feelings go when my son came into this world and this letter was a reminder that to have another baby I would be going on this journey yet again.
Why didn’t get I get a phone call? Why such an impersonal way to let me know its time to start paying rent for my precious cargo?
Now don’t get me wrong I love Dallas IVF and know they have hundreds of clients so they have to have a process for things like this, but why such an informal one?
First I was annoyed with the cost to freeze your eggs but then realized that I would probably pay any amount to keep those little guys safe.
Then I had this annoying panic set in. This was an unplanned expense and it didn’t fit anywhere in my line items.
Now what? Looks like I am going to have to redo my perfectly planned monthly budget.
After I sat there and went through all of my feelings above I remembered this quote I have said to myself ever since I was little.
“Whatever happens, happens.”
This quote alone has helped me through so many situations in my life from dance team tryouts in the 9th grade desperately hoping I would make the team to when I was applying for colleges and now at this moment bringing me back to center when dealing with all the emotions that come with infertility.
“Whatever happens, happens”:
This is my view on my infertility struggle as I truly have zero control in knowing if IVF is going to work a second time and to prepare myself for that I have to remember that what is supposed to happen will happen.
Where I Landed
I am a big believer in that everything happens for a reason even if we don’t understand it at that moment.
Would anyone choose to go through IFV, no.
However, this is the hand I was dealt and I am ok with that because this is my story. All of us have hardships in life and its how we persevere through them so while I wouldn’t have willingly chosen this path, it is my path.
I have to put my trust in science, God, and life that what is supposed to happen for our family will happen.
While that letter brought me so many negative emotions, it also did something powerful. It let me quietly sit land reflect on my infertility journey in a way I had never done before.
Never during the process did I take a moment to step back and look at what we had done to bring my son into this world.
If I could give one word to the feeling I was having filing the rent collection letter away it would be amazement.
The science of bringing my son into this world is amazing. The support of my husband and family on my journey is amazing. And the opportunity to even go back and try for a second baby is amazing.
When I filed that piece of mail, I realized mamas it’s OK to feel emotions that may not include joy.
Life is not perfect. Being a mom is not perfect. And the journey to motherhood is not perfect. You know what? That is OK as long as we remember that being a mom is a once in a lifetime gift.